i used to be afraid that you weren’t fully aware
of the weight of the words “i love you”
and what they really meant
but then i was shattered on the ground at your feet
and you helped put me back together
and didn’t flinch when it was messy
i knew that you knew exactly what you were talking about
when you stood by what was irreparably broken
and acted like you’d done nothing extraordinary
diary of a robot girl
Today should have been emotional.
But it wasn’t.
It just felt like another day.
People were sobbing all over each other, tears were streaming down everyone’s faces and mascara was smeared across everyone’s cheeks and shirts. But I just…didn’t cry. Nothing came out of me. I felt nothing but a supreme disconnect from everyone.
Everyone was blubbering over how much they’d miss each other, and how sad they were to see their time with us come to its end, and how they loved all of us so much. There was legitimate sadness and actual emotion in the room, hanging heavy in the air. But I just…detached. I felt NOTHING. I just stayed quiet, grabbed my purse and left.
This has happened before. Multiple times. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel no connection to the people I was with at that time, I suppose. And yet I still yearn for their approval and acceptance. I want them to like me, but I don’t want anything to do with their emotional breakdowns. How disgusting is that? How disgusting am I? I feel like a robot. Like I’m programmed to please others but incapable of connecting with people on any other platform. And it’s not for lack of personal emotions. I feel sadness and anger and regret and bitterness and joy and pain as much as anyone else. It’s just that if someone experiences something when I am not, I just can’t connect with them. I don’t know what to do. My limbs turn to wood and I become totally dissociated from the situation at hand.
Something’s probably very wrong with me.
alone is a state of being;
since i am away from the company of others
and there are no other living creatures in this room
i am alone
loneliness is not so simple;
even when in the largest of crowds
surrounded by people to point of suffocation
i feel alone
i am empty and hollow in the arms of another
but content and complete when on my own
I’ve fallen so hard for him
that the harshness of reality
is barely noticeable
when he is beside me
the flexible plastic lid
of her coffee cup
wears bright red lipstick
like a painted whore
smeared across the sides
proudly and without shame
her perfect pink manicure
is still somewhat wet
she lifts the cup
and smudges her nails
on the left side
near the Starbucks logo
she trips over dirt
in her nude stilettos
and catches the hem
of her chiffon skirt
on the swinging door
she is beautiful because
she is so human
ode to a shitty roommate
it is eighty-one degrees outside
with seventy-five percent humidity
and sporadic thunder and lightning
why the fuck
would you yell at me
when i ask you nicely
i never understood
what made your lips on my neck
such an intimate affair
until your teeth grazed my pulse
and i realized
you could tear open my throat
and make me bleed out in your arms
you chose to kiss
Have you ever had one of those days where you’re going through your daily routine like you always do, and you can’t help feeling like you’ve skipped a step in the schedule you made for yourself? Or when you’re about to leave your house to go out and you can’t shake the notion that you’ve forgotten something important? Have you ever laid down to go to bed at the end of a full, eventful day, and just felt like something was missing?
I didn’t know I was incomplete. I was proud of my independent spirit, my ability to be completely alone and not feel lonely (most of the time). I was happy, I thought, with the way my life was going. There were no gaping holes in my heart, there was nothing wrong with me. At the end of the day I felt whole. I didn’t realize that despite a perfectly untouched exterior, I was slightly hollow beneath virgin porcelain.
Then you came into my life. You literally just walked up to me and changed everything. With a simple, nervous conversation, you established yourself suddenly as a necessary part of me. You stepped into my head and you did not leave. You held me silently and in your arms, I suddenly felt real. I felt like I was coming up for air after a long dive into the ocean. You kissed me and I realized I was starving. I felt like I had been fasting for a lifetime and your lips were the sweetest bread I had ever had the pleasure of tasting. I closed my eyes when you kissed me for the first time, and when I opened them I saw your face with perfect clarity and I knew you had just altered the path of my life so completely I would never be able to look back.
I don’t want to say that you complete me, because I still have my independent nature. Some things are just too deeply engraved to ever really rub out. But you complement me perfectly, and you are as necessary to me as my heartbeat. You get me through each day and you make me savor each night. You are deeply important to me as the seasons are important to the earth. You fulfill every desire I never knew I had.
I don’t know what it is about absence that makes the heart grow fonder, but the longer I am away from you, the harder we come together when you arrive home. When you are away from me I lose a richness in my complexion that floods back in a deep blush that stays painted on my face for days when you return. All the blood that seemed to have drained from my body rushes to my head when I see you and I am dizzyingly high off the ground when you kiss me. No kind of drug could make my head spin the way you do. If I could shoot you up my arms I’d be stuck in the clouds for a decade. Every time I see you smiling on my doorstep or in my bed or in your car or anywhere, I feel whole and human. And when you leave, the comedown starts and it’s never quite the same. Sometimes I fall hard and fast into boredom, counting down til I see you again, and other times I drift slowly down, not entirely accepting the fact that you aren’t there and won’t be there for some time. I don’t know what it is about absence that makes the heart grow fonder, but I go through withdrawal when you are not there.
It is too early for the sun
and too late to be called night
I don’t remember what woke me up
but I don’t care
because there you are
My arms reach for you in stillness
and you awaken to my touch
and you pull me closer without a word
When the sun finally comes
you are still there
with messy hair and narrowed eyes
and a smile that whispers bliss into my skin
Nothing matters but the light through the window
that lets me look at you